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My experience on how I started coping with my biggest failure -People's reaction

people react when you struggle -People's mindset 

So, as I wrote in my previous article that I always wanted to be an army officer but I suffered from severe Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) which crippled me to the extend that I could not even open a toothpaste tube or brush teeth. Severe RA cripples you for life. 

How was my journey from being an Army aspirant to going into a shell and then coping with it and finding happiness. 

When you have a diseased, crippled body with deformities which makes you eat, drink, walk with great difficulty even after medication, it  breaks you down. I could not even lift a glass full of water, RA crippled me to such an extent. Life is not the way I wanted it to be. I consider it a failure. I was depressed & worried for my life ahead.

In India, a girl who suffers from a disease and cannot get married people often look at her like a bechaari(poor thing).

Whenever I visited doctor's clinic people, specially women would see my deformities and ask- "shaadi ho gayi kya" (have you got married) marriage was the only thing they saw and not the deformities, the pain. Frankly speaking, this attitude of people made me almost loose my confidence, I almost confined myself into a shell and stopped meeting people. I started avoiding people. I wished if I could go back to the times when I was healthy & fit.

When my father passed away, people came for  condolences but instead some women started to enquire about my age - "kitne saal ki hai?" (how old is she?) This question was posed to my family. People have this kind of attitude towards a girl. Even at such a time of grief they were only concerned about my age & marriage because I was a girl! They could not see we have lost father. We were going through this pain but my age enquiry was more important.

It used to be very traumatic. The result was I started feeling ashamed of myself that that I'm not married, I have deformities. In India, if a girl does not get married at a certain age, people look at her like -"hai bechaari ki shaadi nahi hui hai, umar nikal rahi hai". "Ab Kya hoga bechaari ka?". The worst part was that when I was getting Physiotherapy, one day my physiotherapist said to me - "bimaar ho, shaadi bhi nahi hui hai, aage chalke bhai ke bachche bhi tum par hasenge, respect nahi karenge" (you are unwell,unmarried, later on your brother's kids will mock you and won't respect you). I was shocked, how some people look at a girl who is suffering from a disease. I was filled with anguish, anxiety and started worrying about my future life. RA being autoimmune disease was further aggravated by the tensed state of mind that I was going through. Thanks to God that I have a very supportive family. 

life is challenging with ups and downs, you need to have something to look up, to cop with it. It is a kind of a failure and people's behavior towards you makes you feel a failed human.

I consider it a failure and I needed to do something to deal with it. A failure of not having a healthy body,  marriage, kids, faliure of not having a life the way I wanted. I apply nail polish on my deformed fingers, it is a faliure for me, loosing beautiful fingers to deformities. Unable to walk short distances,  running, skipping which I loved from my childhood. Unable to drive car which I learned but when deformities started I had left driving, the army uniform, climbing mountains, remained only a dream. 

I knew I had to come out of this state of being depressed. I brought books written by Gen. V. P. Malik,  Rahul Pandita, Srinjoy, book on  Indian Air Force officers who were POW in Pakistan.

I'll have written extensively about how I came out of these faliures & depressive state of mind in my next article. 

Read https://speak2loudly.blogspot.com/2021/03/my-experience-on-how-i-started-coping.html



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